Nurturing a child's physical and intellectual development: The role of parents as role models

Christine, a 49-year-old senior executive at an insurance company, is the mother of three women in their twenties. While her two older daughters are concerned about losing weight during their pregnancies, neither has weight problems. Christine explains as follows:

My daughters never diet, even when all their friends are trying different diets. While two of them were a little chubby in elementary school, it wasn't a problem because they're active and have good eating habits. Perhaps most importantly, we never keep cookies, French fries, or candy in our house. One of my daughters will occasionally bake cookies for me, but that's a special treat. They like small snacks, so when they come home from school, I just cut up an apple. Because they don't fill their stomachs with junk food, they're hungry at mealtimes and enjoy the food served, including vegetables. I'm a little worried about my eldest daughter because her husband grew up with cookies, snacks, and desserts, but she lets him have cookies for his work lunch, so there are no cookies in their house.

Help children understand their bodies intelligently.

Some parents may not realize their child's weight is a problem, while others are overly concerned. The issue is that you don't want your concern to make your child feel ashamed of their body and damage their self-esteem. Recall from Chapter Seven that a negative body image is associated with depression and low self-esteem, causing adults to avoid activities they would otherwise enjoy if they were only slightly dissatisfied with their bodies.

You may have noticed that your child feels embarrassed due to negative body image, leading them to forgo activities and social opportunities. Just like adults, negative body image can make it difficult for children to lose weight, as inactivity or social isolation can cause increased food intake.

Even before starting school, children may still like their bodies despite being nicknamed "chubby." However, once they enter elementary school, they are bombarded with information that can diminish their satisfaction with their bodies. It becomes more difficult to cultivate a healthy body image in children when you talk about colleagues' stress levels and when they spend more time on television and the media. It's easier to help children develop a healthy perspective on their bodies when they are younger, but you remain a significant influence even as they grow older.

Before helping your child develop a healthy body image, examine how you yourself feel about having a child who isn't slim. Distinguish between genuine concern about your child's weight and the judgment that your child's weight is unattractive, or between concern about how others perceive your child's overweight. Even without direct commentary, your child will sense your unease and feel uncomfortable about what makes you feel bad.

It can be beneficial to separate your struggle with your weight from your feelings about your child's body shape. As you become more aware of the importance of bodily intelligence, there's no reason to let your child repeat your unpleasant experiences. Just as you're so endearing in helping your child develop their cultural intelligence, you can use the same approach to help them develop their bodily intelligence.

Setting a good example is important not only for food control but also for body image. Even if you have a long way to go to reach your weight goals, children don't want to hear you make frustrated comments about your body or see you avoid activities because you don't like your body.

In 2002, The New York Times published an article by Dr. Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, a researcher at the Minnesota School of Public Health, which warned: "'Oh, I look so fat in this outfit.' This is such a common phrase, but if you say it, your child will say it too." Instead, let your child occasionally hear you express pride in your appearance while wearing nice clothes, and let them hear you feel satisfied with something you've done physically.

If someone compliments your appearance, accept the compliment gracefully, rather than objecting or mentioning the pounds you still need to lose. As long as it's genuine, liking your new hairstyle or clothes isn't bragging. Besides setting a good example of a healthy body image, you also need to do something special to help your child.

Enhance children's body image

Children are influenced by their parents' messages. Even rebellious 13-19 year olds, despite viewing their parents as completely out of step with the times, are inevitably influenced by them. Don't expect your children to understand you; they can't please you, but you should still persevere. Here are some suggestions:

Let your children wear what they want to wear whenever possible. If the clothes are clearly unsuitable, compromise and exchange them for something less bothersome. While you don't want to overemphasize appearance, it's never a bad thing to praise your children when they look particularly good.

Help children develop media literacy. When discussing movie stars and rock singers, let children know that their thinness is not objectively realistic, but merely an illusion created by movies or magazine images to create a pleasing appearance. Explain the economic motivations behind advertisers' promises to make you thinner and more attractive.

The discussion revolves around the changes that come with puberty, changes that occur much earlier than you might expect, with some girls starting as early as eight or nine years old. Precocious puberty can be difficult for some girls to adjust to, as they mistakenly believe these physical changes are evidence that they are gaining weight.

Explain to children the influence of genetics on body shape and size. Children may be concerned about whether they will inherit undesirable physical traits similar to a family member. Help children understand that while they have limited control over traits determined by genetics, the world would be incredibly monotonous if everyone looked the same.

Encourage children to make friends with colleagues who are less concerned about their size and appearance, especially girls, who are more likely to be dissatisfied with their bodies if they have friends who are focused on their looks, weight, and dieting. Avoid letting them chat about clothes and appearance at friends' houses. Encourage them to participate in sports teams, but be cautious about ballet or becoming a cheerleader leader.

Wendy, a 38-year-old divorced pharmacist, has a 10-year-old daughter named Karen. One evening, Karen seems upset, so Wendy asks her if she's feeling down. She replies, "School's so awful," and goes on to talk about how she feels ignored while Heather, her thinner friend, gets all the boys' attention at a class party. Karen then decides to cut out carbs to lose weight, hoping to become as thin as Heather.

Wendy acknowledged that feeling ignored was unpleasant, but she added, "You shouldn't get so upset about one party. You shouldn't compare yourself to Heather or anyone else. Wherever you go, there will always be people prettier than you, and people less prettier than you; some taller, some shorter; some fatter, some thinner; but you are you, there is no other you. If you spend your time comparing yourself to others, it will only make you sad and make it harder for others to get to know you."

When you help your child eat smarter, you see results and changes in their eating habits. But when you help your child understand their body better, there are few obvious signs of success. Of course, even if you don't see the results of your efforts immediately, you can feel comfortable knowing that you are working against some of the cultural factors that cause your child to be dissatisfied with their body, and that you are helping them to make it easier for them to manage their weight in the long term.